It's these kind of days meant to honor and lift Moms up that I feel the least 'good' about my job as a mother. It's a day where the focus is on my parenting and I re-assess the job that I'm doing with my children.
It's funny when I try to think about the things that I do right as a mother, the only thing I can really think of are my shortcomings.
I should be more patient. I bet Jennifer is patient. Jennifer listens to her kids and sees the positive in them instead of disciplining. When Gabby pees on the couch, I bet Jennifer would say, "It's ok sweetie, don't be embarrassed, it's no big deal." She'd swoop her up and kiss her and tell her what a good job she did earlier in the day making it to the potty. Myself...I act like a stark raving lunatic, yelling because OMG IF I HAVE TO CLEAN THIS COUCH ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!!
I should be able to balance more than one thing at a time. If you come to my house and I look showered and like I have brushed my hair today then you will see that there are toys EVERYWHERE, lunch has been left out on the table for long enough for the health dept. to have a hay day; and there is a puddle of urine on the bathroom floor from one of the boys which I am not even aware of yet. If I'm dressed in my work out gear, it means that I at least ATTEMPTED some fitness which means that during that 20 minute video that took 2 hours, I was annoyed by the kids no less than 17 times. I was short with them, inconvenienced, & probably yelled because they did something while I was in downward dog that I should have prevented in the first place. If I did some creative Pinterest project it means I'm so happy. It's a happy and virtually perfect day. I don't seem to be bothered by the kids interrupting me when I'm painting and crafting something pretty and I find it very therapeutic. It seems to balance out my endorphins even more than working out. However, it means I didn't cook, I didn't spend time with God, and I didn't pay the bills when I should have. All of this is completely true. I am telling you this despite the fact it makes me look bad because I often hear from moms, working moms especially, that they feel that everything they do is half ass. There's just not enough hours in the day to get it all done. I mean when you think about it, you wake up, get the kids ready, take the kids to the sitter, go to work all day, pick the kids up, go home, feed them dinner, give them baths, and put them to bed. At what point do you clean? At what point do you make time for yourself? Time for your body? Time for God? When do you stop worrying about the never ending to do list so you can simply watch a show, or go to bed early, so you can actually get a full nights sleep? And that is only if you don't have babies that are going to wake you up several times throughout the night. There's so much pressure to do it all and be it all and so very little time and energy.
I should be thinner. I should be stronger. Emily looked so cute in that little dress and she ordered sugar free ice cream. Maybe I should order sugar free ice cream. But seriously, I heard that stuff causes diarrhea. Maybe I should get some diarrhea actually. Don't even get me started on the comparison that goes on constantly in a woman's mind. Mom or not, we are non stop sizing one another up and wishing that we had something that another woman has. I wish I had her boobs, I wish I had her butt... And it's not only the physical that we long for; I wish I had her joy, I wish I had her discipline, I wish I had her talent. In all of that wishing, how do we admire even a single thing about ourselves? I saw a question once and it was, "what do you love most about yourself?" I seriously could not think of one single thing. All I could think of was everything that I would change if I could. I'm not depressed, I don't have low self-esteem, I just simply drew a blank. I am betting this is more common than not.
I should make more money. I wish I could pay for my kids to do every activity their little hearts desire. I wish when my daughter wanted a new pair of shoes that I could just get them for her, instead of having to shop second hand stores for them and weighing whether it's a need or just a want & what the other family members need by comparison. I really need to tithe more. 10%?!?! 10%?!?! I know, I know, God will give it back ten fold if you just TRUST him, but 10%?!? There are so many home projects that need done. Big expensive projects too. We need to get a plumber in here; the siding is falling off, it won't survive another winter; the basement has some kind of mold, it's probably causing us all brain damage; the foundation in these plaster walls is crumbling before my very eyes; the fence needs replaced; and these are just the priorities. When are we ever going to have enough overhead to be able to do these things?
I need to be a better wife. Do you ever just feel so crazy that you know what is coming out of your mouth is completely irrational and yet you are powerless to stop it? This is me, all the time. It's true that we consistently will hurt the ones we love the most. My husband will try to give his opinion on something that I have done with the house, and if it is not completely positive, I totally shut down. Constructive criticism? Doesn't exist in my book. If you're not for me, you're against me. I don't understand why everyone doesn't think and feel the exact same way that I do. Now I know that I am not perfect, and I am able to admit my flaws, but during the moment, I could not be more hurt if my husband doesn't like my dinner, or my painting, or the way that I handled something. I withdraw, I yell, I cry. It is not his fault. It is an insecurity within myself. I should take it. He should be allowed to have an opinion on things. He should be allowed to be honest with me. The same way that I am with him. I don't want him to stop talking to me because he is afraid of what my reaction will be. But that is the direction it's heading if I don't change my ways. Our sense of humor had saved our marriage time and time again. It is being able to laugh at ourselves and our faults that keep us going.
I should require less validation. Since when did everything I do need to be liked by another person? Social media has a grip on me. I hate to admit it. I sound so lame. But I am with kids all day. It is my channel to the outside world. It is my someone to talk to when I am feeling alone. It is my someone to laugh at my jokes when I have a funny thought. It tells me I'm skinny when I'm feeling fat. It gives me the pat on the back that I needed when I ate something healthy or ran 3 miles. It is consuming. I check it way more often than I should. Entertains me when I'm feeding a baby, or when cartoons are on, or when I have a moment of silence which I just couldn't wait for all day and then it's like I can't wait to hurry up and drown out my thoughts with the outside world. I really don't like or understand it about myself, but it is true nonetheless.
The fact of the matter is that I could go on with this all night. I could tell you all the ways that I compare myself to every other woman. And all the ways that I feel insufficient as a mother. As a spouse. As a child of God. But what I want you to know and what I want you to get out of this, is that you are not alone. You are enough. Your inadequacies are Satan trying to tell you that you can't do this. You don't know what you're doing. You're messing everything and everyone up. It's absolutely NOT grounded in truth. Do you love your children more than anything in the world? Would you do everything you could to protect them? Are you providing a safe home and putting food in their bellies? (It doesn't have to be organic and have no dyes to make you a good mother.) If you answered yes to any of those questions then guess what? You're doing the best you can. And that's all you can do. I always say my kids and I, we're growing up together. They're teaching me as much as I'm teaching them. Every day they mess up, and every day I mess up. And we'll try again tomorrow and the next and the next.
Happy Mothers Day. It's ok to celebrate your beautiful mess.
