Why I'm breaking up with Facebook. Again.

United States of America? Seems more like Divided States of America lately. I recently took a 6 month Facebook hiatus before the election. I wanted to clear my head of all of the opinions and "news" to form my own educated vote. I drove home from the polling office excited to finally get back on & see what my friends & family had been up to. I've always been a little nosey & loved social media to keep me in the know on all the things. My FOMO was at an all time high. All of my photos & videos that were saved only in my FB archives could be retrieved. All of the little funny thoughts that popped into my head could once again be shared and the people that gave me grief for getting off (mostly my Mom, she is the only person who thinks I'm as funny as I do.) would finally stop giving me a hard time about it. Let me tell you- people are mad when you delete your Facebook. I even went through a little withdrawal period where I didn't know what to do with my hands in my free time. It became more of a habit than anything. But I missed the social invites and the photos and the check ins. I missed it all. And then I came back. What I saw was unbelievable. Facebook seemed to be more of a political platform than anything. A place to sling hateful memes towards "the other side." My husband said it best to me- he said, "people are either so far left or so far right they fail to see the actual truth in the middle." Don't just believe the articles you read. Do some research. Find out the truth. A friend of mine turned me on to snopes.com & it's by far the least biased venue I have found for factual information, but don't stop there. If you want to fight the government go right on ahead, but educate yourself on the facts first and make sure they aren't laced with bad information. And If you can do this without being disrespectful toward the women that are 'pro-life' at the exact same march as you, fighting for the exact same equality as you, all without feeling it necessary to wear a vagina on your head, then you could very well be changing the world, but if not then you are NO BETTER than what you are protesting. People are all about "equality for all" or "building a better America" so long as it aligns with their own beliefs; otherwise there seems to be a real "you're stupid and I can't be friends with you" attitude. And I'm not saying I haven't played party to all of it. I am guilty too. But this is why I'm disappointed by what social media has become. This is why I'm breaking up with Facebook again. It steals my joy and changes my opinions of people and their opinions of me. Even the people I love the most. I'm taking back my life. For my sanity and for my family. I'll only be back to steal a photo or a video from my archives. Know that I didn't delete you or unfriend you for your differing views. I just think our "Freedom of speech" has quickly gone to "diarrhea of the mouth" and I want to go back to my own ignorant happy world where everybody loves everybody. That's the world I want to raise my kids in, even if It's only within these 4 walls. ☮️ Annie

Mommy Is Sick

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

My cousin posted this Thursday & I read it and used it to not feel guilty about skipping my usual Thursday morning run due to feeling sluggish & having stomach issues & the beginnings of a sinus infection.

Then I read it in my Jesus Calling book Thursday night right after setting my alarm to get up Friday morning at 4:15 to run since I didn't Thursday & I had a 10K I was supposed to be ready for Sunday. Wonder if he's telling me I shouldn't run? I wondered. No that can't be it. Because I don't want that to be it. 

I got up Friday morning with a lump in my throat & and an incessant nasal drip. "Suck it up Friend" my inner dialogue was saying. I ran hard & shortened my route just getting it over with. 

By Friday night I was couch bound, completely miserable, to the point where I had excruciating pain when I took a deep breath. I started coming to terms with the fact I may not be running Sunday, even IF I had been training for a few months for it, even if I had 7 other people relying on me to be there, even if it was already paid for, even if I wanted to run that race more than anything... When you're sick, you're sick. You can't argue with it.

Today I've been sitting by my diffuser all day, doped up on DayQuil, binge watching "Mistresses," wrapped up in an electric blanket, & drinking hot tea. 

Actually... Sounds like an amazing day doesn't it? I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself not being able to run tomorrow, missing the girls games today & not being able to hold my son; that I FORGOT to enjoy the rest & relaxation God was forcing me to take today. 

This never happens. I'm horrible at sitting still, not worrying about what needs done, & just relaxing. I usually have to LEAVE my house to do this. But not today. Today I felt awful. But I let my husband juggle our kids without micro-managing him; I let the dishes pile up; I skipped changing my clothes all together; & something amazing happened. We all survived! And it was beautiful. I hope I never take another day for granted; even a sick day. 

Mommy Romance

It's amazing how you can fall so completely in love with the same person over & over & over. 

One minute I want to punch him in the face & the next I feel like I could explode with enfatuation. When there's real fiery passion in your life you accept that it is better to feel too much than too little. 

Recently I was talking to a friend & trying my best to explain it. Marriage is so hard and so beautiful all at the same time. Funny when you feel passionately about someone how high those highs are and how low those lows can be. 

He's the only one that will ever look at your kids & think they are as adorable as you do. When they roll over for the first time or say Momma, you will share a look between you that is 100% irreplaceable. 

However, the essential moments are the ones where you actually make time for one another...when the kids are AWAY; when we take the time to HEAR one another. To SEE the little wrinkle that has formed between his brow from years of furrowing. For him to notice the smell of my new perfume. To feel his hands on me. The importance of these moments are so easily overlooked. We get caught up in the realities of life & forget about the fantasy. To embrace one another for the hot messes we truly are & to let go of the idea of the "husband," the "dad," the "provider," he should be in your mind. To be appreciated as the funny irresponsible person your girlfriends see you for. To remember...why you fell in love in the first place anyway. 

The rollercoaster of punch drunk love. What a gift. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Make time for one another. One weekend with the kids away & I'm like a schoolgirl with a crush completely fulfilled again. However long you've been together,  whatever you've been through, if you've ever had these kind of feelings for one another; they're still in there. 

Mommy goals

To understand where someone IS, you must first understand where they have BEEN. 

Six years ago I was a single Mom. I lived off of Ramen noodles & camel lights. My idea of exercise was walking around the building at work to go smoke. It wasn't unusual for me to drink an entire bottle of Captain Morgan in one sitting & to go days without eating. I was a lost sheep when my daughter was with her Dad. I didn't know how to cope with the lonely & filled that emptiness with broken relationships & unhealthy habits. I was struggling through an awful never ending and very costly divorce & working as many hours as I possibly could. Yet sadly, it wasn't even the most unhealthy point in my life. 

3 years ago, I was pregnant with our son. I was almost 100 pounds heavier than I am now. I was depressed, nicotine withdrawing & exhausted. I was sick through most of my pregnancy & tried to just eat & sleep off the whole thing. I wanted to close my eyes, & it all be over. I remember crying when my sister Lynsey, (God love her.) told me she was throwing me this baby shower. My anxiety was through the roof regarding having to even attempt "looking cute" when I felt like a cow; let alone be the center of attention and open gifts in front of everyone. I must've seemed like an ungrateful B. But it killed me. 

2 years ago, I started a couch to 5K program very very reluctantly; ready to turn my life around. When I started, I couldn't even run 30 seconds. I was still 65 pounds heavier than I am now & even in my glory days of High School where I was a total jock & played every sport, I was never a runner. Regardless, I started moving. What's that saying about 'objects in motion stay in motion.' ? Well it's true. I had quit my job of 7 years that was giving me chair ass, where donuts and cake and bagels sat on a desk in front of me staring at me almost every day; to stay home with my babies and start a daycare. I had NO idea what I was doing. There were days I would cry when they cried. Even though I had been a mom for 6 years already, taking care of other people's kids was nothing like taking care of my own, even if I loved them. Was I out of my mind? Had I made a huge mistake? But I kept on trucking. I forced myself to work out while the kids napped. I did Jane Fonda videos, Zumba, various fitness videos on YouTube. I'd work out with kids crawling on me, or barricade myself in the kitchen- whatever I had to do to get it in. That's when I realized, hey- this is great! I can work out "on the clock!" What a blessing! Most people would love to have this opportunity! And I embraced the crap out of it. 

And here I am just a few years later. The process has been EXTREMELY slow. I've watched my friends do circles around me  on the track; & watched their weight seem to just fly off while mine didn't budge for an entire year! But I didn't give up. My goal was to be strong & fit. Never skinny. I was skinny before & not heathy at all. I knew I didn't want to be there again. There has been a LOT of fluctuating. (Actual graph of my progress.) 

A ridiculous amount of tears as I am finally to my pre-pregnancy (ever) weight but am still not able to get back into those old jeans on account of my body shape changing so much. My boobs have been through the freaking ringer with nursing 2 babies & all of this yo-yo'ing. Not to mention, it seems like just now other people have finally taken notice & are starting to say things & compliment me. I know it's not humble at all but when you work out 5 days a week, and you drop 55 pounds, you start craving those accolades! But that is not what this is about. This is about YOU. Your courage to start. You think you'll never be a runner? You think your life is destined to always be the same? Think of where your life was six years ago. Bet you had NO IDEA where you would wind up now. I hope I can encourage you on your journey by showing you what a real one looks like. It's not about losing weight quickly and getting thin. It's about being healthy. Being able to play with my kids for hours on end without being exhausted. Not feeling guilty when I indulge in some ice cream with them. Having the ability to move the furniture around without my husbands help. Not letting my body issues ruin our sex life. Confidence is the sexiest thing there is. I didn't need to change what I looked like for him. But I needed an internal makeover on how I felt about myself. When I'm headed in a health minded direction with my body...my mind, my spirit, my soul, follows suit. I have always had a super addictive personality and maybe all of this is just my new drug of choice. Well it's about time I replaced some of those negative addictions with positive ones. 

With the help of God, and a close friend who got me through the first 4- I met a goal this morning, and hit my 5th mile, all by myself. I never thought I'd see this day. And the best part is, I'm not even close to finished. And neither. Are. You. 

Mommy Blues

I want to be annoyed by our daughters cryptic Instagram titles:

"I'm hurt but I can fake a smile"

"Head up, stay strong, fake a smile, & move on."

And so on and so forth, only to be deleted and replaced 19 times in the next 24 hours. 

Yes dear you have a rough life. What was it, TOO MANY vacations this year? All out of size zero at Abercrombie? Only 78 likes on your picture?? <insert eye roll here 

And then I remember she's THIRTEEN. I wouldn't trade places with her for anything- other than to spare her the pain if I could. 13 is awful. The worst. She's headed for junior high this year.

I think back to what my Junior High years were like. 

I had started my period. FIRST. Got boobs. FIRST. ew. Along with that curves when the fashion was BODY SUITS. (So I was a cow.) I had held hands with a boy. My boyfriend of 5 minutes. An eighth grader.  (So I was a slut.) I seeked validation any & everywhere I could seek it. One minute I was the top dog & the next I'd be right back at the bottom crying my eyes out because someone said I wore too much makeup. (So I was a clown) or my clothes were too dorky. (So I was poor.) I went to church often. (So I was religious and weird.) I got good grades. (So I was a nerd.)

I do hope she can turn to her guidance counselor at school. I don't know what I would've done without mine.

Lord knows I didn't turn to my parents often and it wasn't because they weren't there for me; it was because I was a teenager and everything was "if Dad finds out, I will DIE!"

So today I have the Mommy blues. The ' I wish I could save you from yourself but I can't.' Mommy blues. The 'sometimes you have to experience the pain of life & there's not a damn thing I can do about it.' Mommy blues. The 'I've been there and it sucks ass' Mommy blues. 

I miss knowing her toughest day in life involved rocky road or Mint chocolate chip. 

I miss her wanting to spend time with me. 

I miss her innocence. 

I've got the Mommy blues. For my step daughter- who has a "real" mom who loves her very much and doesn't need need me. But she's never been anything but a daughter to me anyway. And I love her with all of my heart Mommy blues.

 

Mommy Judging

What they don't tell you about motherhood- when you're prepping to be a mom, is that you shouldn't be out buying all of the most expensive gadgetry, and picking out cute little outfits to "get ready" for the baby, you should be prepping by practicing making a bottle with one hand, sleep training yourself to survive off of only a few precious hours of sleep a night, start taking showers only every 4 days & have someone screaming their head off outside of your curtain the entire time.

Truth be told you never appreciate your own mom more than the exact moment she offers to take your kids for you so you can enjoy a weekend vacation with just grown ups. 

Last night I was walking my kids home from the park and my 8 yr old was continually pushing the stroller with my son in it into the street and letting go after being told not to several times. Eventually, I snapped. "Payten why don't you listen?!? How many times do I have to tell you?!? Do you want your brother hit by a car?!? Give me the stroller back, you're not responsible enough." And then I turned the corner & saw them. People. Grown ups. They gave me a sheepish smile as if they understood, but I saw right through it. Into their eyes. Their judging eyes. And I heard myself from a strangers point of view for the first time. Ew. How ugly. Is that who I have become? The lady that snaps at her children for trying to help? The mean lady with the condescending tone? 

And it's not just them, I do it too. I've seen the mom at the grocery that counts to 3 ten times & I think... Maybe if you would stop giving so many chances, your kid would actually listen to you. I've seen chubby kids eating candy and thought, wow you really need to pull back on the sugar lady. I've even gone as far as to discuss it, "can you even believe he's still not potty trained?" Or "Seriously she still has her binky?!" Or "can't believe they let their kid watch that movie!" The very thing that would hurt me the most; to be judged as a parent, is the thing that I myself still do.

Being a parent is the best thing ever. And the hardest thing ever. And the most exhausting thing ever. And the most rewarding thing ever. It's all of those things and so much more. Why are we so hard on ourselves and more importantly- on each other? Aren't we all just kind of winging it? Making up the rules as we go along. We should be high fiving one another every chance we get. Helping the Mom at the grocery store when clearly she's just trying to get out of there before the crap hits the fan. Hugging the mom who has been trying to potty train her kid for years now. Praying for circumstances and strength and patience. (I know, I know, you're not supposed to pray for patience, just put it on the list of things I do incorrectly.)

Let's remember we are all on this roller coaster of parenting together and be the village. I'll call you Tuesday when Asher is having a meltdown because I didn't get all of the white peel off of his orange good enough & you can bring over a bottle of rum. In return, I promise to not make a big deal out of it when your kid pukes on my carpet because you forgot to mention their lactose intolerance. 

Mommy Day

It's these kind of days meant to honor and lift Moms up that I feel the least 'good' about my job as a mother. It's a day where the focus is on my parenting and I re-assess the job that I'm doing with my children. 

It's funny when I try to think about the things that I do right as a mother, the only thing I can really think of are my shortcomings.

I should be more patient. I bet Jennifer is patient. Jennifer listens to her kids and sees the positive in them instead of disciplining. When Gabby pees on the couch, I bet Jennifer would say, "It's  ok sweetie, don't be embarrassed, it's no big deal." She'd swoop her up and kiss her and tell her what a good job she did earlier in the day making it to the potty. Myself...I act like a stark raving lunatic, yelling because OMG IF I HAVE TO CLEAN THIS COUCH ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!!

I should be able to balance more than one thing at a time. If you come to my house and I look showered and like I have brushed my hair today then you will see that there are toys EVERYWHERE, lunch has been left out on the table for long enough for the health dept. to have a hay day; and there is a puddle of urine on the bathroom floor from one of the boys which I am not even aware of yet. If I'm dressed in my work out gear, it means that I at least ATTEMPTED some fitness which means that during that 20 minute video that took 2 hours, I was annoyed by the kids no less than 17 times. I was short with them, inconvenienced, & probably yelled because they did something while I was in downward dog that I should have prevented in the first place. If I did some creative Pinterest project it means I'm so happy. It's a happy and virtually perfect day. I don't seem to be bothered by the kids interrupting me when I'm painting and crafting something pretty and I find it very therapeutic.  It seems to balance out my endorphins even more than working out. However, it means I didn't cook, I didn't spend time with God, and I didn't pay the bills when I should have. All of this is completely true. I am telling you this despite the fact it makes me look bad because I often hear from moms, working moms especially, that they feel that everything they do is half ass. There's just not enough hours in the day to get it all done. I mean when you think about it, you wake up, get the kids ready, take the kids to the sitter, go to work all day, pick the kids up, go home, feed them dinner, give them baths, and put them to bed. At what point do you clean? At what point do you make time for yourself? Time for your body? Time for God? When do you stop worrying about the never ending to do list so you can simply watch a show, or go to bed early, so you can actually get a full nights sleep? And that is only if you don't have babies that are going to wake you up several times throughout the night. There's so much pressure to do it all and be it all and so very little time and energy. 

I should be thinner. I should be stronger. Emily looked so cute in that little dress and she ordered sugar free ice cream. Maybe I should order sugar free ice cream. But seriously, I heard that stuff causes diarrhea. Maybe I should get some diarrhea actually. Don't even get me started on the comparison that goes on constantly in a woman's mind. Mom or not, we are non stop sizing one another up and wishing that we had something that another woman has. I wish I had her boobs, I wish I had her butt... And it's not only the physical that we long for; I wish I had her joy, I wish I had her discipline, I wish I had her talent. In all of that wishing, how do we admire even a single thing about ourselves? I saw a question once and it was, "what do you love most about yourself?" I seriously could not think of one single thing. All I could think of was everything that I would change if I could. I'm not depressed, I don't have low self-esteem, I just simply drew a blank. I am betting this is more common than not.

I should make more money. I wish I could pay for my kids to do every activity their little hearts desire. I wish when my daughter wanted a new pair of shoes that I could just get them for her, instead of having to shop second hand stores for them and weighing whether it's a need or just a want & what the other  family members need by comparison. I really need to tithe more. 10%?!?! 10%?!?! I know, I know, God will give it back ten fold if you just TRUST him, but 10%?!? There are so many home projects that need done. Big expensive projects too. We need to get a plumber in here; the siding is falling off, it won't survive another winter; the basement has some kind of mold, it's probably causing us all brain damage; the foundation in these plaster walls is crumbling before my very eyes; the fence needs replaced; and these are just the priorities. When are we ever going to have enough overhead to be able to do these things? 

I need to be a better wife. Do you ever just feel so crazy that you know what is coming out of your mouth is completely irrational and yet you are powerless to stop it? This is me, all the time. It's true that we consistently will hurt the ones we love the most. My husband will try to give his opinion on something that I have done with the house, and if it is not completely positive, I totally shut down. Constructive criticism? Doesn't exist in my book. If you're not for me, you're against me. I don't understand why everyone doesn't think and feel the exact same way that I do. Now I know that I am not perfect, and I am able to admit my flaws, but during the moment, I could not be more hurt if my husband doesn't like my dinner, or my painting, or the way that I handled something. I withdraw, I yell, I cry. It is not his fault. It is an insecurity within myself. I should take it. He should be allowed to have an opinion on things. He should be allowed to be honest with me. The same way that I am with him. I don't want him to stop talking to me because he is afraid of what my reaction will be. But that is the direction it's heading if I don't change my ways. Our sense of humor had saved our marriage time and time again. It is being able to laugh at ourselves and our faults that keep us going. 

I should require less validation. Since when did everything I do need to be liked by another person? Social media has a grip on me. I hate to admit it. I sound so lame.  But I am with kids all day. It is my channel to the outside world. It is my someone to talk to when I am feeling alone.  It is my someone to laugh at my jokes when I have a funny thought.  It tells me I'm skinny when I'm feeling fat.  It gives me the pat on the back that I needed when I ate something healthy or ran 3 miles. It is consuming. I check it way more often than I should. Entertains me when I'm feeding a baby, or when cartoons are on, or when I have a moment of silence which I just couldn't wait for all day and then it's like I can't wait to hurry up and drown out my thoughts with the outside world. I really don't like or understand it about myself, but it is true nonetheless. 

The fact of the matter is that I could go on with this all night. I could tell you all the ways that I compare myself to every other woman. And all the ways that I feel insufficient as a mother. As a spouse. As a child of God.  But what I want you to know and what I want you to get out of this, is that you are not alone. You are enough. Your inadequacies are Satan trying to tell you that you can't do this. You don't know what you're doing. You're messing everything and everyone up. It's absolutely NOT grounded in truth. Do you love your children more than anything in the world? Would you do everything you could to protect them? Are you providing a safe home and putting food in their bellies? (It doesn't have to be organic and have no dyes to make you a good mother.) If you answered yes to any of those questions then guess what? You're doing the best you can. And that's all you can do. I always say my kids and I, we're growing up together. They're teaching me as much as I'm teaching them. Every day they mess up, and every day I mess up. And we'll try again tomorrow and the next and the next. 

Happy Mothers Day. It's ok to celebrate your beautiful mess.