Mommy Blues

I want to be annoyed by our daughters cryptic Instagram titles:

"I'm hurt but I can fake a smile"

"Head up, stay strong, fake a smile, & move on."

And so on and so forth, only to be deleted and replaced 19 times in the next 24 hours. 

Yes dear you have a rough life. What was it, TOO MANY vacations this year? All out of size zero at Abercrombie? Only 78 likes on your picture?? <insert eye roll here 

And then I remember she's THIRTEEN. I wouldn't trade places with her for anything- other than to spare her the pain if I could. 13 is awful. The worst. She's headed for junior high this year.

I think back to what my Junior High years were like. 

I had started my period. FIRST. Got boobs. FIRST. ew. Along with that curves when the fashion was BODY SUITS. (So I was a cow.) I had held hands with a boy. My boyfriend of 5 minutes. An eighth grader.  (So I was a slut.) I seeked validation any & everywhere I could seek it. One minute I was the top dog & the next I'd be right back at the bottom crying my eyes out because someone said I wore too much makeup. (So I was a clown) or my clothes were too dorky. (So I was poor.) I went to church often. (So I was religious and weird.) I got good grades. (So I was a nerd.)

I do hope she can turn to her guidance counselor at school. I don't know what I would've done without mine.

Lord knows I didn't turn to my parents often and it wasn't because they weren't there for me; it was because I was a teenager and everything was "if Dad finds out, I will DIE!"

So today I have the Mommy blues. The ' I wish I could save you from yourself but I can't.' Mommy blues. The 'sometimes you have to experience the pain of life & there's not a damn thing I can do about it.' Mommy blues. The 'I've been there and it sucks ass' Mommy blues. 

I miss knowing her toughest day in life involved rocky road or Mint chocolate chip. 

I miss her wanting to spend time with me. 

I miss her innocence. 

I've got the Mommy blues. For my step daughter- who has a "real" mom who loves her very much and doesn't need need me. But she's never been anything but a daughter to me anyway. And I love her with all of my heart Mommy blues.