He's crying. We're practicing the cry it out method. Suddenly the boy has reverted. He stopped sleeping through the night. Stopped taking naps in his crib. Just wants to be held while he sleeps at all times. So naturally, we've decided we need to let him cry.
It kills me. His sobs. His coughs. The little choking noise he makes because he's gotten himself so worked up. And don't even think about crying Mommy.
Shit...spoke too soon. Now my heart is in a knot.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean really...it hurts us worse than him. Most of the time he wins anyway. I want to run to him and comfort him. Kiss his sweet cheek and rock him. He's so tired, he's just fighting it, all kids do it, let's get him out. My mind is going back and forth playing good cop\ bad cop. My husband and I look at each other, both of us desperate for sleep. Both of us ready to snap at any given moment.
I'm whispering to myself
Phil 3:14 ~Press on toward the goal to win the prize.
Alas...the crying stops!
My husband and I kiss each other goodnight. We don't dare speak a word. Just roll over and feel our bodies relax beneath us. I drift off into R.E.M. within seconds.
Exactly 8 minutes later. He's back up. With a vengeance too!
I go in to console him and he's smacking the bottle out of my hands, throwing his pacifier, and everything else within his reach onto the floor. What happened to my sweet little angel and who is this crazy child?
I toss my hands in the air. (As if 'giving up' is an option when it comes to parenting.)
I get in bed and listen to his cries. I wonder what the neighbors must think. What horrible parents we must be. Tony and Jill didn't have these issues with Kate. Lindsey's baby is sleeping through the night. Our niece doesn't do this. Where did we go wrong? I read every book. He did fine for months! Why is my baby broken? I think about every possible thing that might be wrong with him. Wonder if he has gas...maybe he's teething...is he too cold?
The Mommy guilt paralyzes me in my exhausted stu-per. I feel so damned if I do, damned if I don't.
People offer up advice. They're constantly watching...judging. Gasping. "What? He's not sleeping through the night?? Maybe you should try <insert blah blah blah. (More words that only make you feel worse about your choices.)"
Finally I give up. I get him and put him in bed with us. 2 minutes later he's completely out but we are too afraid to move him at this point. I start thinking 'what if we roll over on him? What if my pillow slips? What if a blanket covers his face?'
Even in peace the paranoia and guilt live on.
P.S. If your reply to this blog is offering up some kind of words of wisdom regarding sleep training I'll punch you in your stupid well rested face!!! This is for the other sleep deprived moms' out there needing to know they aren't alone in this world!
That is all. Thank you, please drive through.
Mercy did this too, we went back and forth several nights of crying it out. She would sleep fine for a week or two, and then she'd start teething again, or get a cold. Sadly to say it was so much easier, to put her in bed with us, and at 22 months she's still there. Margaux on the other hand will never sleep with us lol. I joke that Margaux will be in her own big girl bed at 3 and 5 year old Mercy will still be in our bed. Well, at least it's a joke now ;). Hang in there Momma, I feel like they are only little for such a short period of time, and no matter what judgmental advice others have, it's all about doing what you can and being happy along the way!
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